love.

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk replying to emails about maps and charts for a project at the publishing house I'm volunteering for and it dawned on me.  Something clicked into place.  All the slots aligned.  Everything simplified.  My complex mind map of the hows, whys and purposes of this world and our roles within it clarified - This life is a fiery kiln to produce one thing: love.  The joys, comforts, victories, defeats, pain and grief all should be burning away selfishness and purifying love.  True love.  Not Shakespearean/Twilighty love, or tolerating, well-wishing love, but 'self-sacrificing I'll give you the last cookie even if I'm really hungry and am the one who took the energy to get up and go get it' love.  'I'll engage and pursue opportunities to give no matter the cost' love.  Love when it hurts.  Love when it's inconvenient.  Love when its confusing.  Can I receive love?  Can I believe it?  Can I let it transform me?  Can I actually do it?  Can I meet the challenge to love?

I thought I was a good guy, selfish here and there but good.  Then I got married.  Then I moved to the Middle East amongst a people that I have next to nothing in common with.  Then I had a kid.  I have needs, these things show me.  And over again I've found myself gearing to fight for them, to get peace, comfort, rest, good food, pleasure for myself.  Screw you if you're in my way.  Now, more than a flame of the fire of life these people are also the immediate direct objects of my love playground.  They are the step one, two and threes of how I'm going learn to love, my little league/backyard ball.  But with the challenges against my needs I've found myself clinging to comforts and backing away/disengaging from the fires.  Or in the fires, I've let the wrong thing, love melt away and justify further my needs.  I've been growing tired of the endless compromises of if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, when, where, how long, how hard.  There is something bigger, greater and ultimately more rewarding.  It seems that the measure of love in this life is the measure of greatness in the coming kingdom, one in which love will no longer be tested, it will be all there is.  I want to be great in that kingdom though I have no clue what it means.  On my dying day I want a big chunk of love to be all thats left of me.

Jesus said, "If you love me you listen to and obey my commands".  He summarized it all into the command to love God and to love everyone.  The asterisk next to love, was to love as the Father loves Jesus and like Jesus loves us.  There's no compromise in that with my needs.  There's only strangling selfishness underwater every time it tries to come up for air.  Surely many storms will come and grief, loss, hunger as will bounty, blessing and excess but if the result in my heart is not love, then I've wasted my time.