Coming of Age...

I was running on the Cornish (Seaside) this morning with The National's "I'm Afraid of Everyone" jammin'.  It was my last sprint and I had the odd feeling that I was playing out the middle of a "Coming of Age" movie, running from the frustration, the "who am I?" and getting closer to something new...  But aren't those movies about teens, addicts, or dysfunctional super-human vampires and the like?

I'm 30.  I'm no longer a teen.  I'm not an addict.  I'm not a vampire (yet).  My dream was to have a wife and children.  Check.  We are living our dream of living overseas.  We were able to take a number of adventurous trips and travels all over the world before our move.  We became parents when we were told that it probably wouldn't work, a miracle baby.  To top it all off, we have an amazing network of unique, incredible and loving friends...

I watched 'Up' recently with Rivers.  The intro silent montage of the couples back story is about as wrenching as it gets.  I see Kelly in the wife, the dreamer, me the wide-eyed husband saying "you got it."  I realized though that we have lived each dream as it comes, unlike the continued road-blocks they faced in the movie with each dream; adventure and child-bearing...

Kelly and I have been racing to the top of Maslow's little pyramid of needs.  The blessing and favor on our lives has been remarkable.  Sure, we've made a fair share of good decisions and worked hard through seasons, but what we have is a rare thing.  So why I am in the middle of a "Coming of Age" movie?  Is there a problem? What is next?

In the midst of my first experience with grief (Kelly had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago) I've also been struggling with the sense that I'm not good at the very thing I want to be good at.  I want to change the world.  I want to serve, teach, and inspire people.  I want to be a part of cleaning up the dysfunction of this world.  World, here I am.  I'm in Beirut.  I'm ready, willing and available...

But...

Ooops.  I'm not too good at Arabic.  Ooops.  I'm not very good at meeting new people. If we can crank up some Madonna and dance like we're drunk together, we're good.  If we can sit and laugh, eat finger foods, and let out the child-likeness, I'm your pal.  But if you're in a neck tie, shiny shoes, playing your cool cards - I'm gonna hold back.  I don't know why.  I'll try to think of things to talk about, stories to tell... crash.  Ooops...

How do I connect?  How do I unlock a heart in a different culture?  What change do I make?  How? - Am I willing to pay the cost? - Or am I in the wrong culture? (I love Arab culture).

I've been waking up with a very subtle angst.  It's mostly the grief talking, but also partly due to a season of bad sleep.  It's a dull pain that I don't notice until I can't find my keys, or I hear a hint of "that" tone in a question I'm asked.  But when the chord is struck I feel like freaking out, like finding a dark room alone and hibernating until the next season.  I'm a character that I haven't seen, read about or met.  I'm stuck.  I'm restless.  I'm not running on all cylinders.  I look at the chess board thinking a few moves ahead but it gets all jumbled and I have to start over.  Every decision feels like a radical change - high cost/high risk.  It's scary.  We all know how Tiger Woods's revamped golf swing has worked out... so far.

I'm running toward something.  Now I know better than to expect the sensation of "arrival" and a happily ever after life of coasting, rest and feasts.  It's always a challenge to enjoy and appreciate the new seasons alongside the new responsibilities and changes.  For too long, I thought "my life will be gravy when... fill in the blank."  Rarely in the process of my life so far did I think that I was rich with blessing. I was generally shocked by the unexpected things....

I'm running toward a life of taking care of, loving, and cherishing a growing family while having something left to give to the world.  Though, I cannot see how the pieces of my wiring, gifting, talents, finances, family, environment, etc fit together in the optimal way, I find peace in knowing that in the process I am loved.  I am delighted in.  I am not alone and I am living my dreams.