Fatherhood...

I was probably 5 years old.  I remember a scene vividly.  Leaning up against the wall while my mom was sitting in front of her mirror putting on make-up I asked, "When am I gonna get to be a daddy?"  She responded "Not for a loooong time..."

Consistently the theme of "Fatherhood" has been spoken, prayed and prophesied over me for a long time by believers and non-believers alike.  No one knew that it was my dream.  I didn't dream about a career, money, power or possessions.  I only dreamed about family.

I never really gave a whole lot of thought to the theme beyond personal family.  I knew the thing was bigger than that, but it felt so distant. Definitely, when Rivers was born, I was reminded that I was stepping into a role that I was gifted and wired for.  This process of stepping into the new role was different than I expected.  I thought I'd feel more of an arrival than a feeling of self-sacrifice.  It was hard.  I was tired.  I lost a lot of freedom... freedom which I enjoyed.  I can't describe the love, value and appreciation I had for my new son.  I cherished every moment, glance, giggle and fit from my little buddy.  But coupled with it there was a gut wrenching feeling of personal loss, which I'd never heard anyone talk about before.  I could no longer do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted.  My relationships changed.  My marriage changed.  How could this dream come true, this prophetic destiny coming to fruition be this difficult?  Maybe I'm weird... Maybe I'm the only one.  

19 months later... Day by day it is easier.  Day by day I'm getting the hang of it.  I'm feeling the joys more and more without the company of the feeling of loss.  Maybe the caterpillar is bursting out of the cocoon looking a little bit different.

Recently I heard the Father speak that it's time for my "Fatherhood" to bloom, not just a father to my family but to an orphan generation.  I felt it around the time of the miscarriage.... I don't understand it.  I don't fully know what it means.

Today I defined a father as: protector/provider, a present model for living, one that speaks value and destiny into the child and a giver of a good inheritance.

That is how I see the "Fathering" theme in my life.  Its a piece of my inheritance from my dad.  I can build on and give away to another generation...  I think it speaks to the greatness of my dad that as a child and beyond my dream was and is to be a father: to tickle my kids until they can't breath, to look into their wide eyes as I make up stories, to throw them to ear-popping-altitudes in the swimming pool, to be ambushed by hugs when I walk in the door and to kiss away tears and turn them into comfort.